Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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