Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
50% drunk capacity currently
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
