He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
