So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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