Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
