I want to have your abortion
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
