so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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