my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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