pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
