How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
