The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I am midnight drunk by noon
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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