shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
