if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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