About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
