So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
