I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
