I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
