Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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