I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
