Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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