Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
