someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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