How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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