I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
