We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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