I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
