oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
