His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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