Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
