I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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