She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
