I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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