last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
