Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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