i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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