If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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