I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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