Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
