Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
