did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
