my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
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