just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
