WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
