Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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