Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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