I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
