Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
