He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
We’re leaving where are you
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