My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
