I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
